To Venus With Love

Hi beautiful family,

What intense times these are. The transit of Venus this past week signified the return of the divine feminine in all her glory to balance with the energy of the divine masculine. Our bodies and emotions are being hammered with planetary activity and solar flares as we continue our stair steps towards ascension and unity consciousness. We are being rebirthed and in the past few days I have personally been experiencing actual labour pains. I am not kidding!

In the past six weeks or so I have also been intentionally manifesting all over the place. I ask for something or think of someone and there’s a manifestation in a day or two. It’s quite freaky to get used to actually as it seems so easy. Well it is if it is coming from your higher self but make sure it is! Other days feel as though energy is darting all over place and the dots aren’t quite connecting. When this occurs I know it’s a frequency mismatch at the time and just let it go and laugh out loud. Often after this realisation the dots connect at a later time. 
In the past few months you may have noticed the past, old themes and fears are coming up all over the place. In your dreams, in your memories and in your day. And if you really feel into it, sometimes in weird and unusual ways. It’s like you are replaying your past  life experiences  but in different scenarios or perhaps you are playing out a future you thought you may have had. We may have reverted back to old behaviour, addictions or thought patterns but we are aware of them. And in these precious moments you have the ability to heal every last piece of the old which has held you back from experiencing and manifesting the life your higher self wishes you to have. It’s truly time for the hamster to get off the wheel and that hamster has been you (and me). But as always it’s a choice only you can make for yourself. The best thing about all the intense energy of 2012 it’s now easier to follow your truth. In the past there has been much interference with our free will and we have often been held prisoner within our own and collective fear.

In the past month or so I’ve completed my life review. The final stage for me was becoming aware of the vastness of all and the vastness of myself and my connection to source and all that is. I had a private Skype session with Sandra Walter who answered several questions for me. The one factor which made so much sense to me was EXPANSION. Expanding your body vehicle in meditation to connect with the bigger picture. I’ve never been big on meditation personally. I tend to do it in my own way. Gazing out of the window at the trees, on a walk or connecting with a bird. And now I’m using Sandra’s tools and still gazing out the window but connecting on a vast scale. It’s amazing.

Sandra offers a two hour recorded webinar and a PDF on expansion and emotional clearing which has changed my life and ended and finalised my soul contracts.  The lessons I wished to learn from my soul family have become glaringly obvious. For example ‘Oh we contracted so I could find out about rejection’, ‘Oh we contracted so I could find out about self love’, ‘Oh we contracted so I could find out about abuse’, ‘Oh we contracted so that I could become who I wanted to be’, and more recently ‘Oh we contracted so I could find out what’s it’s like to love without expectation’. The list goes on and on. And every time I acknowledged the contract I released the contract with love and sometimes with forgiveness of myself and of my soul mate. It’s very empowering. I’m not always sure what their contract is with me but I know they have also learnt something valuable from me whatever it may be.

One of my biggest breakthroughs recently has been the realisation that the only thing I’ve been waiting for all my life has been myself and the connection to all. What a relief to realise I’ve finally shown up. About time.

I read this sentence in Lisa Renee’s latest article called ‘Life Review’. You can read the full article here posted on Matariki’s website:

‘Facing memories and reaching a conclusion of their events by fully letting them go in unconditional love and forgiveness, will slide your light-body into the new supportive platform of the Unity field’.

So there you go! It seems so simple and it is. But you have do the clearing yourself. No one’s going to save you or do it for you. I’ve never in my life experienced such clarity.

If you feel so inclined here’s Sandra’s link where you can listen to the webinar and partake in the exercises during the webinar. Following this, in your own time with the PDFs as a guide, you can complete your emotional clearing. There’s a small energy exchange of USD$12.12. My goodness it’s the bargain of a life time. Thanks Sandra!

With love and gratitude for our soul contracts and their completion,



‘Wild is the Wind’ – The Divine Reunion

Hello once again!
As we enter the final days of the 16.4 billion year Mayan Calender which ends on 28th October 2011, we can feel the energy intensifying. The veil of illusion is lifting like never before and we are clearly seeing so much through fresh eyes. The world is changing and we have changed with her, and these changes have been tricky and painful to navigate, globally and personally. But we are almost there, yes we are!
Many of us are now beginning to wish for different lives or we are simply already living our new lives. Old thought patterns and emotional attachments are disappearing, and we are now more than ever beginning to realise and live the life of our dreams – the life our soul truly desires.
Because the divine can only experience unconditional love, unity and peace, we came to earth as children of the divine to experience polarity (separation) in human form – good vs bad, right vs wrong, light vs dark, black vs white, us vs them, straight vs gay, religion vs religion, war vs peace, men vs women – the list is endless. This polarised world is known as the third dimension. Each of us was programmed, much like a computer, to forget who we truly are. We are in fact an expression of the divine and our new software is being installed very quickly now. We are powerful creators and manifestors, but most of all we are love, unity and peace. And we have remembered this or at least we are beginning to do so. This article summarises my own personal story of the divine reunion of my soul and with the sharing of this comes my completion, one day after the full moon in Aries, my star sign which helped define my polarity in the third dimension.
I came into the third dimension (3D) to experience polarity and separation with the divine, self, others and therefore all. Programmed into my frequency was my key challenge which is also known as my soul’s desire. It seems odd that a painful challenge would be also what my soul wished for, beyond all else – there’s the polarity in itself. Although my ego/mind tried hard to battle against what my soul desired, it always lost because it was supposed to. I was not supposed to be happy in the 3D illusion. The purpose was for me to discover that and raise my frequency or vibration so I no longer resonated in the 3D world, and therefore the contract to fully experience my key challenge or soul desire was complete.
For those of you reading this who have met their twin soul in human form, know that your twin was also programmed into the same frequency and had the exact key challenge. Twin souls are literally the other half of your soul. The relationship is explained more fully in my tab at the top of this article, so I won’t go into it here. Whether you know about twin souls or not is of no consequence. We all have a spiritual twin soul so it doesn’t matter. The point is the twin energy is just an aspect of you which you seek outside of yourself and can be represented in many forms.
My key challenge and soul’s desire was to come and experience that ‘Third parties in relationships are painful’. I was conceived by a young mother (17 years old) and my father (22) felt forced into marriage. Later he blamed me, stating such things when I was around 10 years old as ‘I only married your mother because of you’ and ‘If it wasn’t for you, I would have been an All Black’. As you can see I was the third-party already and learning lessons around this from the day I was conceived. Meanwhile, I knew from a young age my maternal grandmother had been involved in  a long affair during my mother’s teen years, despite being married to my grandfather.  She died of cancer at the age of 41 when my Mum was 19 years old. As a young child my grandmother’s third partying came up often when my father was drunk and I clearly remember my mother saying that her maternal grandmother had stated that ‘One day your mother will be punished for what she has done’. Dead at 41, leaving 8 children behind seemed liked plenty of punishment for everyone concerned. So, I was learning third partying was very, very painful indeed.
When I was ten years old I was sent a long way from home to run in a competition. When I was away my father had an ‘incident’ with another woman, a third-party. Upon my return our lives become increasingly stressful because of this incident and my father began drinking more than ever. I became ‘the protector’ of my mother and intervened in their heated arguments as the third-party. The only way I felt I could stop Dad from hitting Mum was to place the heat on myself so he would hit me instead. Once again the 3rd party desire was being fulfilled. Around this time I began to take an interest in boys, but they always preferred another girl and I saw these girls as the other woman (3rd party).
I have had several love relationships, including two of almost four years in duration and one of six years.  There have been other flings and some unrequited loves as well. In all cases the romances have ended or never began because of a  3rd party. I’m talking about twenty or so situations. It’s a lot! Either the woman I love (oh yes I’m gay ;-)) loves someone else or I have left because I love someone else. Very painful separations. All of them crushed my heart. When you are faced with your key challenge or soul’s desire (in my case 3rd parties) it’s more painful than any other event. The irony is you are programmed to attract it on many levels. I attracted 3rd parties in my career over and over again. People who emotionally abused me on the job, lied about me, sexually harassed me, pushed me out, or got chosen over me time and time again. Because this is what my soul desired and yet the biggest challenge was yet to come – the meeting in human form of my twin soul, the other half of my soul who shared the exact frequency and exact  soul desire, but on opposite ends of the frequency in the 3D world. Oh dear…..;-)
I had just returned from living in London for a few years. I was ‘in the zone’ and following my passion as a screenwriter. Everything was falling into place – life seemed close to perfect. I was happy, healthy, single and not looking. Then, one day, there was a knock at the door….And there she was, the woman of my dreams, THE ONE staring right back at me with a steady, soulful gaze and a wonderful smile. The first few months of our friendship seemed magical. All the while I knew she was in a relationship but I didn’t care because I knew she would leave her partner for me. And when I finally met her partner she was not what I had expected at all. I couldn’t see what my twin saw in this woman and many people felt the same way which reinforced my feelings. They seemed such a mismatch in every way, especially in their energy fields. I simply couldn’t work it out. Enter the third-party.
I hadn’t known any thing about twin souls until I began working with a healer a few months after I met my twin. It began years of research to try to understand this connection. It drove me crazy. Everything I read supported the fact we were twin souls. From us meeting on an 11, to the same moon sign of Taurus and her rising sign is my sun (Aries), to our numerology being exactly the same (13/31). Even our Mayan stuff matched and everything I always did to try to disprove our connection, matched. The coincidences, the dreams, the fact we looked alike, the one in a million chances when I’ve challenged source to prove it to me…..Of course my twin wouldn’t recognise the connection….
For six years I tried to get my twin to see me when I needed to see me. I tried to get her to see her when SHE had to see her. My heart broke over and over as I saw her moving into her soul’s purpose as ‘THE STAR’, dipping her toes in and then running from it. She is named for the stars. In the third dimension when she had the opportunity to be ‘THE STAR’ she often sabotaged it through the same third-party frequency we share in the 3D world. I knew if she was with me she would be ‘THE STAR’ and I also knew if she stayed in her current situation she would wither up like a flower and die, never having experienced the true aspect of her soul desire to be ‘THE STAR’ she was born to be. I cast her in my films, I invited her to be in the essence business with me and encouraged her to be ‘THE STAR’, but she said I made her feel disempowered, even though she also said she knew it wasn’t my intention. In fact she was right, I was trying to empower her. But you see I was the third-party for her and she felt conflicted by our friendship and connection. She had also left a long-term relationship to be with her current partner and that experience had been excruciatingly painful for her as it was the painful third-party soul desire. She had also learnt in her childhood through the break up of her parents and her mother (and possibly father) having had other partners and her mother other children,  to feel like the third-party. Also because she is so amazing, many people were attracted to her while she was inside relationships which her frequency and behaviour at times attracted and encouraged. This caused conflict within herself and her relationships, but this is what her soul desired.
My twin tried hard to be the perfect partner – to not third-party. She committed over and over again to making the relationship work with her partner. She told me she never wished to be with me and never will. During the course of our friendship I invited her several times to see me and more than once she said ‘it’s not a good time’. Later when our relationship became based around work it was okay for her to justify seeing me. Work was okay, personal was not. And when I thought that finally she was going to step into her role as ‘THE STAR’ she decided to instead plan a baby with her partner (a third-party as a donor, a third-party as a baby). Of course, being in 3D land I had a fit and cut off contact feeling that she wasn’t honoring our soul contract. Everyone seemed to know her plans apart from me. It felt like she wasn’t being honest. I was broken. She had also chosen to move cities and it has been chaos in that town we call Christchurch. The first few years she was there was heartbreaking as I watched her suffer. She was lonely and unhappy. It wasn’t her soul’s wish to go, but she went because her mind and free will over rode her fifth dimensional soul purpose. She couldn’t be alone to see herself as ‘THE STAR’ and not only as that but also as ‘THE DIRECTOR’ which is the other half of her soul, represented in human form by me.
That’s right, I AM THE DIRECTOR. This is my soul’s desire. I’ve always been the director, from bossing people around all my life, telling others what to do, pissing people off (especially my twin) and hating being told what to do. I was in charge, I wanted to direct my own life, live the life of my dreams but in 3D land this is impossible because of our other desire – you know the 3rd party thing? I am also ‘THE STAR’ the aspect of myself I ran from early on in my life. I always sabotaged my chance to be ‘THE STAR’ in its many forms by third partying. From retiring from athletics at the age of 11 when I was being primed for the Commonwealth Games, retiring from hockey the year I made the national squad and many other examples all because of my 3rd party stuff.
After I raised my vibration and forgave myself and my twin it got me to thinking what happened if one twin ascended and one didn’t? This situation was also being experienced by a few of my clients. What happens when the original soul contract to both ascend and be together in a sacred sexual union wasn’t going to happen because of free will and ego choices or because this was in fact part of the original soul contract, that one twin would and one wouldn’t? I didn’t have to wait long for my answer. In a meditation, the other half of my soul said it didn’t want to experience polarity any longer. It wasn’t part of its 5th dimensional desire. That the free will choices of its human vessel was not where the other half of my soul wanted to be. So I invited it to come back to be one with me and I would heal it and us as one soul. I hoped this wouldn’t mean my twin was now ‘soul less’ but I couldn’t understand how this would all work – my poor 3D human brain was overstretched. The interesting thing was almost from the moment I claimed the other half of my soul back I didn’t wish to be with my twin anymore, as what I had always wanted was the complete soul. Obviously, prior to this moment I was still seeing twin and I as separate and polarised, when in fact we were one all along. The 3D illusion of having to be together in human form had disappeared.
This was further reinforced by my realisation that one of my male spiritual guides was in fact me – a multi-dimensional aspect of myself at least. When I knew this I felt him land inside me and I realised that although he was me he was also my twin in spiritual form. That what I had always seen in my twin was in fact this spiritual guide who was us anyway. His name is Orion (although throughout he years he has appeared in other forms, including an amazing whale named Tai). Orion is also ‘THE STAR’ (in name too) but very much ‘THE DIRECTOR’. When I worked with him as an ‘outside of myself’ spiritual guide he was always directing people together, pulling together the pieces of a puzzle, directing the process of healing and the essences.
In summary I now express myself as a fifth dimensional being, fully healed and fully merged as the divine masculine and divine feminine within. I AM THE DIRECTOR and I AM THE STAR. This crosses over into many aspects of my  life and work. The essence work as THE DIRECTOR in directing people to discover the fifth dimensional aspect of their soul purpose and as THE STAR as a guiding star to assist them. My public work as a writer and film director  has elements of the star in stepping out on stage as well as working with stars (crew and actors, famous or not). And in other ways, I work with the stars in the sky, I direct people together to begin their own journey as a team and in many ways I assume these roles within my family and friendships in various forms. I know this may sound as though it’s a label, these two aspects of self. But they are like umbrellas and aspects of self shoot off from them, like the sister, the writer, the lover, the friend, the environmentalist. It’s a label for our human brain, to make it easier to understand. Our brains are still rewiring and one day we won’t need to think. We will just be.
And my beloved twin? She’s has access to our one soul whenever she is in the moment and is following her truth, and not her ego mind. She is still experiencing polarity but when she fully chooses to ascend (this life time or next or whenever) her healed soul is waiting in the fifth dimension and she will fully experience THE STAR and THE DIRECTOR if that is her wish.  This time I will not want anything from her as I am one within. To me she is already both aspects as linear time is an illusion. But that’s another story.
Happy ascension all,
With love,
Karyn x x x
Here’s a wonderful song a David Bowie cover from 1976 ‘Wild as the Wind’. He’s singing our souls home to us.

The cleansing of your ‘Soul’

Greetings! I felt it was time to write another blog. There’s so much to say and yet so little. This week in particular has been extremely heavy and dense energy wise. It’s been like hiking up a mountain through thick fog with a migraine! Of course there has been a number of solar flares this week which have the ability to affect the Earth’s electromagnetic fields as well as ours. I can now feel immediately when a solar flare from the sun is released and tend to check out a website to prove I’m not going crazy after all!

As part of the divine plan, solar flares are released to help us move stuck energy from our being so we can vibrate on a higher frequency. This means we can feel all types of emotion, body aches, flu-like symptoms, exhaustion and sometimes for no particular reason we can ‘think’ of. In my experience the best way to deal with this is to just accept it and welcome it, stay in the moment, concentrate on things you like doing and do them, rest when you can, laugh and/or watch comedy, eat healthy whole foods, drink plenty of pure water and be grateful for all the awesome things in your present life.

As we move closer and closer to the end of the Mayan Calender on 28th October 2011, we can expect to feel good times and what may feel like not such good times on a polarized level. The first five days of September were dense as well, the second five days light and fluffy and somewhat magical and now I feel the energy is shifting from dense to light once again. It’s like the flares come in and vacuum clean our souls, gathering all the pieces of dust here and there, clogs of hair, the odd clothes peg, and what the heck is that? Oh, just the usual pieces of corn and carrot! The thing is we have many levels of dust and dirt in our souls and we are really getting into the corners of the basement now, cobwebs and all. The cleansing (vacuuming) process can be tough but once one level is clean the light shines on in for a while until your soul is ready for more housekeeping. Eventually our souls will be sparkling clean and the dust and dirt will never return. Hoorah, we will shine like diamonds!

It certainly feels like a time of just being. Being in the now, not focusing on the past or future, making plans but not attaching through our egos like we used to, surrendering and allowing the energy to flow through us and create our new reality. It’s a time to stay out of fear and worry as much as possible and find ways of doing this, perhaps through meditation, prayer, writing, therapy, art, music, dance, cooking, exercise or heading into nature. Our thoughts are more powerful than ever before and we can easily manifest through positive or negative thoughts. Have you noticed how many more coincidences are occurring in your everyday life just because of a thought you have had? Have you noticed how much of the old you or old life you used to have or even wish for no longer exists? That you are such a different person to how you were at the beginning of this year? Do you sometimes look in the mirror and wonder who is staring back at you? The plans you had for this year, when you made the new year’s wish list may have no relevance at all now. Or, alternately, may have happened but in a completely different manner to what you had ‘planned’. If we have had no drastic changes in our life, then we would at least have had an emotional clearing out whereby we feel differently to how we used to, and hopefully in a positive way. Our souls are running the show now and our egos are taking a back seat – finally!

More than ever there is a division between people who are choosing to ascend and those who are choosing not to right now. We all have free will and freedom of choice through our ego (mind) despite our soul’s original plan or intention. The people in my life who are choosing not to ascend and to stay in polarized thinking, living in fear and allowing themselves to be controlled by the old thought forms, systems or people in their lives have simply disappeared from my life. This may mean we do not contact each other, or when we try to the phone cuts out or there’s a communication breakdown of some kind. This is because of a mismatch in frequency. You attract love and light more and more when you choose to ascend and when you lower your frequency by partaking in ego based polarized relationships, discussions, thoughts and judgement or criticism of others it will make you feel off balance and you will actually feel like cr&p.

It may be hard to leave those you love behind, but know they will be okay and at some point in their soul’s evolution they will ascend. Send them love, compassion and choose not to judge their free will. In some cases their soul’s plan is not to ascend now, so they are honouring what is right for them in this life time as their souls wish to continue to experience polarity.

When you ascend it simply means you hit a different frequency which is often called zero point. This is when the divine feminine and the divine masculine is perfectly balanced in your soul and you have reached a level of unity consciousness and connection with source. This is also known as reaching a level of ‘Christ Consciousness’ where all the ascended female and male masters we have come to know and love, including Christ himself,  exist and vibrate with their loving energy and guidance. Click the tab at the top of this page for more information about ascension should you be interested.

As a token of appreciation to my fellow soul buddies and readers, I’m offering a remedy called ‘SOUL’. This is a blend of twelve New Zealand native plants, flowers, trees and seeds to assist in balancing the twelve chakras to move that housekeeping along and assist in reaching ascension or zero point on 11.11.11 – love, peace and unity consciousness – right on!  This remedy was developed along with my amazing twin soul, so it’s a truly beautiful potion and I’ve had much positive feedback about it.

The remedy will be offered through an energy exchange via donation and the money will go towards distributing the ‘Aroha’ remedy to women’s refuges which I wrote about in my previous blog. As a guide, the postage and packaging for NZ folks is $5 and overseas peeps $10.

You can go to my donation page under ‘store’ at the top of this page to donate and email me your postal address to: and I will send ‘Soul’ to your soul.

Thanks for sharing this wonderful journey. Until next time,

Love and light,


‘Aroha’ – healing emotional abuse

Hello and a warm welcome to my first ‘official’ blog. I’m glad you are here.

Over the past several years we have been going through a deep cleansing of our lives which has manifested in various emotional and physical symptoms, constant exhaustion and changes in our personal lives.  This has been mirrored in changes on a global level as the earth also shifts and cleanses herself. Once we clear all this ‘stuff’ and heaviness  we will realise our true soul’s potential and be able to act upon it, which will contribute towards humanity’s shift from polarised thinking to a unified consciousness. For many, this process is known as Ascension.

June’s energy and the eclipses within the month brought many seeds of change to all of us. Some of these changes may have manifested in different thought forms or finding that what we thought we once wanted, we no longer want.  Our old life and ways of being and thinking may no longer feel right, make us joyful or even serve us. With these changes of thoughts and emotions, July has seen many of us revisiting recurring fears, old patterns of behaviour and events, and people from our past. Even though we had thought we had dealt with whatever is reappearing, obviously we haven’t. The past is coming back for healing and releasing of these old ways for once and for all. This may be difficult for us as we do not wish to feel a certain way, have a certain person in our life, or revisit events from the past which were hurtful or difficult. But we must in order to be free at last from whatever we are re-examining. This may take courage, communication and truth, but most of all it takes love.

In the past month or so a topic has been constantly streaming through and reappearing in my life . I guess it began when a friend asked if I could make up a special native essence remedy for the Women’s Refuge which will be called ‘Aroha’. The light translation of Aroha is love, however it may also be described as the binding force of all that is.  With regard to this remedy,  it refers to a deep love, and compassion for, and connection to,  self. It has been designed to assist women who have been exposed to physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse. It’s purpose is to support these women and to assist in giving them the courage to take the steps necessary to carve out a new path for themselves and, in many cases their children, by subtly adjusting their energetic frequency. (You can read more about how native essences work by clicking the tab at the top of the page.)

Since making the components for this remedy, emotional abuse (psychological abuse) has factored once again strongly in my life. As a child, I was raised against the backdrop of emotional and physical abuse, and as an adult I  have experienced emotional abuse in a key love relationship. It wasn’t until the relationship ended  that I even realised I had been emotionally abused and several of my friends were honest enough to actually tell me how obvious the emotional abuse had been to them, or at least mention they didn’t feel things were quite as they seemed.  One particular friend had hinted their feelings to me during the relationship itself, however  at that time I wasn’t fully yet able to see it, let alone admit it to myself. I wasn’t ready to be alone and carve out a new life for myself. To live my life in the manner I wished to and not live the life of someone else. That’s what it felt like at the time. I was living someone else’s life and pretending to everyone it was the life I had always wished for.

At the exact time I entered into this relationship I also began a new job. In this job I was emotionally abused for several years. Despite suffering health issues and severe anxiety which led to years of panic attacks, I never considered leaving the job. This was because my partner and I had purchased a home and we had a high mortgage. It was a home I didn’t feel ready to purchase and looking back I shouldn’t have, however I felt pressured into buying it despite the knowing in my heart I wasn’t even yet ready to live together, let alone buy a house together. During the three years in my job, never once did my partner suggest that I leave, even though I was also physically assaulted on the job and was fearing for my own safety.

Some of you reading this who know me may be surprised I didn’t leave my partner and job earlier. I may come across to many as a capable, strong and independent woman. Indeed I cannot even begin to imagine this happening to me again, because I now recognise the signs of emotional abuse.  When I was faced with similar situations at a later time, I quickly left the person involved and a particular job. I have worked hard on dealing with  the abuse from both my childhood and this key relationship since then, and had thought it was well behind me.  In the last month though events in the lives of others have forced me to revisit it; several of my loved ones have suddenly come to the realisation themselves (or been forced to realise through external actions) that they are either the victim in an emotionally abusive relationship or actually the abuser.

Emotional abuse can be a subtle manipulation over a number of years but the early signs are often immediate. In most cases, although things may be troubling  you within your relationship, you may not recognise you are being abused unless you understand the signs and symptoms. You may also put up a front to people you are close to, so they are unaware of the reality of your relationship.

I have listed some of the signs below.  Some of you will already be aware of these signs having been involved in an emotionally abusive relationship in the past. Others may recognise these signs from your childhood, having played out in your parent’s relationship.

If you are currently involved in a relationship of this kind please seek help. This help can be found through a number of professional counselling services or, if you are reluctant to go down this route, at least be honest with yourself and confide in a close friend or family member who you trust and who may be able to help and advise you. Often those close to us do not realise it’s happening until you tell them. Sometimes we can know people for years and not realise they are being emotionally abused and controlled. Many people think because they are not being physically abused by their partner, they are not being abused. This may not be true. You may be in a relationship (or know someone who is) which is draining something from you. You may not have recognised that your partner has eroded your self-esteem and happiness.

Signs of emotional abuse include:

  • You cannot feel you can always discuss with your partner what is bothering you. You hide your true feelings.
  • Your partner frequently criticises you, humiliates or undermines your self-confidence, overtly or subtly.
  • Other people tell you that you are talented and beautiful and have so much potential, but you feel your partner thinks the opposite.
  • When you stand up for what you want or disagree with your partner, your partner ceases speaking to you for a number of days or even weeks.
  • Your partner isolates you from friends (or family) and sometimes moves you to a new geographical location on their suggestion, where you feel you don’t have your own social group, so your dependence on them grows.
  • Your partner is unsupportive when you want to try something new, for example, a new career, activity or creative endeavour. This may make you turn down potential opportunities before you even discuss them with your partner as you’re afraid what their reaction may be.
  • Your partner controls the finances or limits your access to money, work or material resources. 
  • Your partner may not recognise or value the unpaid work you do around the home and does therefore not consider you to be an equal financial partner in the relationship and tells you so.
  • Your relationship swings back and forth between being emotionally distant and very close.
  • You sometimes feel obligated to have sex with your partner or engage in sexual activity just to avoid an argument, or you constantly feel you are being sexually rejected or there’s something wrong with you sexually.
  • You sometimes feel trapped in the relationship.
  • You are sometimes afraid of your partner or afraid of upsetting them.
  • Your partner has asked or told you not to associate with a certain person or group or to stop an activity, job or hobby even though you don’t want to.
  • You feel dependant on your partner and often feel powerless and sometimes depressed.
  • Your partner uses the children in some way to control you. They may coerce you into having a child you are not ready for to keep you dependant on them, or they may refuse to have a child with you so they have you to themselves. They may control all the decisions about the children, they may be jealous of the time you spend with the children, not help enough with the children, blame you when the children misbehave, undermine you in front of the children, or continually criticise your parenting skills. The children become a point of conflict in some way.
  • Your partner has made you change your behaviour. You behave in certain ways or say certain things to please your partner to meet their expectations of you.
  • When you don’t want to do something, your partner puts forward a closed system of logic. Your partner gets their own way by sometimes wearing you down. What they want or says goes.
  • Your partner was abused in some way as a child and has low self-esteem and doesn’t feel good enough in general.
  • Your partner is often extremely jealous and controlling.
  • Your partner has an explosive temper.
  • Your partner likes you to be dependant upon him/her.
  • Your partner doesn’t have many friends or has only superficial relationships with others. Their primary, if not exclusive relationship is with you.
  • Your partner often blames you for the relationship difficulties and accuses you of nagging. Some partners refuse counselling as you are the one with the problem and not them.
  • Your partner sometimes seems to have a dual personality. Charming and loving one day, cruel and selfish another.
  • You sometimes feel like you are the trophy wife/husband/partner or a symbol and that your partner doesn’t relate to you as a person in your own right. 
  • Your partner may act a different way in company towards you, i.e. loving, helpful and charming, so friends and family have no idea of the abuse you are suffering.

Please remember that the abuser may not own or recognise that they are being abusive. They may never see or own the truth and in some cases they will accuse you of being an abuser and see themselves as a victim.  In this case, if they are not prepared to get help, the best thing to do is to leave, heal yourself (and in some cases your children) and forgive them.  Carving out your own path is your soul’s right.

If you are reading this and see signs that you yourself are emotionally abusing someone, please have the courage to seek professional help. We often have no idea of our behaviour until someone else points it out to us.

We all have the power to heal all aspects of our past and patterns of behaviour. Welcome all the new changes  and revelations with positive energy, love and surrender.  These are the keys to speeding up the process of healing.    

The following link is to the site of Clare Murphy PHD. Clare’s site is an incredible resource about psychological abuse and includes a power and abuse wheel based on Clare’s research over several years. This wheel clearly identifies 16 patterns or tactics an abuser uses to maintain control over their partner.

In closing,  I  know my frequency attracted the experiences I had with various forms of abuse. Patterns of behaviour are learnt from an extremely young age and are often repeated through the course of our life because that is all we know.

I’m empowered and grateful for the experiences I’ve had and have much love and gratitude for the beautiful and generous people who entered into my life to help me heal from them.

Until next time,

Love and light,


Thanks to the following link for some of the above information on the signs of emotional abuse: